Party Stores

and things and places that stick with you and sometimes stick it to you

Party stores must be named after a person (first name only) or a place.

Living in Los Angeles for a while scrubbed the edges off my A’s and leveled out my O’s. I don’t think I made a conscious effort to drop my accent, but I was slinging espresso near the Beverly Center and I didn’t have time to wait for the laughter to die down every time I said, “decaf”. I couldn’t hear the peninsula-ness of my pronunciations until I had something to compare it to. I had to live for a good stretch of time exposed only to the voices of people that sound like Jeff Spicoli and then talk to someone from back home. One time I was catching up with my mom and she was giving me one of those fantastic everyday minutia updates, “Oh and dad stopped by the Home Depot and got me a hose roller.” I burst out laughing and declared that sentence the official litmus test for a Michigan accent.¹

I lived in the South for much longer. Memphis took “pop”² away from me but gave me “y’all”. Although I can feel the “you guys” coming back in equal measure. Y’all is great because it’s gender neutral and covers zero - infinity people. Having come from “you guys” central land, I don’t take issue with the gender connotation but it isn’t a hill I’d die on (unlike so many other death-worthy hills, obviously) for the right to say it to a group of women. Besides, bitches, tarts, trollops, and hens are all way more fun to call each other. The younger gals call each other pretty and beautiful. “Hey beautiful!” There’s no grip to that. It will never be popular slang³. Or regionally identifiable.

The point is slanguage changes. Read this Michigander’s take on “You guys.” and this BBC article on “Y’all”. Just think how much globalization and the internet⁴ and senior citizens on Facebook and SNL’s controversial Gen Z sketches expose all of us to lingo phrases that used to be for insiders and locals only. And then think of all the thinkpieces and opinions and scrambling to determine where phrases originated, what’s accurate usage, and who can or cannot say these words. It’s like trying to section off the sky using the ocean, but we kind of allow it. Maybe we are still clinging on to a world where there are defined boundaries for identity and expression.

I know I’m never letting go of one regional phrase: “party store”. No matter how popular the term “bodega” is getting even outside of urban areas. Of all the places I’ve lived and traveled, I’ve not come across a name as suitable for a non-supermarket snack, drink, and overpriced sundries establishment. There’s nothing convenient about saying “convenience store” and “carry out” is misleading.

If you say “party store” around people from anywhere outside of Michigan they think of a balloon peddling establishment like Party City. In case you haven’t noticed, Party City doesn’t sell everything you need for a party. Not only that, it assumes that certain decorative elements are necessary for a party. Michiganders only need some friends and Better Made chips to have a party. Just like the name implies, Michigan party stores sell pop, adult beverages, snacks, scratchers, lighters, paper cups and possibly pasties, pizza, firewood and bait. One stop party shop.

It could take awhile, but I believe with the inevitable climate migration in the next few decades that “party store” will become the next y’all and the BBC will be writing all about it.⁵

Coming back here to my home village in rural Michigan has brought to my attention all of the bits and pieces of the other places and experiences I’ve had that are now part of me. And the chunks and sections that have stayed so village. It’s all a jumble of clashing and complimenting phrases, lingo, opinions, and outlooks. Everything here feels old and new at the same time. I’m not sure what to do with it all.

Can you start a new life in a place you have already lived? That’s a trick question because just like you share cells with your siblings and aunts and who knows who else, you carry along parts of the places you have been and the people who have influenced you wherever you go. What is a new life anyway? Or starting again? Are those not just lingo-y phrases of our time? Human brain words trying to put parameters and starts and stops on an eternal process. Life. An electric word life, that means forever and that’s well, ya know, a mighty long time.

Party store.

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Stand Uppings

I just finished listening to the audiobook of Maria Bamford’s Sure I’ll Join Your Cult. It’s worth checking out the audio version for her use of sound effects, but grab whatever format suits your lifestyle and eyeballs. Bamford talks about what she calls her “mentals”. It’s the realest account of the disarrangement that is mental health care in ‘merica. Yes we have thousands, maybe even millions of therapists and counselors ready to talk with you, virtually or in-person, about tools you can use to talk with your partner or work through general anxiety. Outside of that? Good luck.

Are we still supposed to be taken aback when we find out a comedian deals with depression or other mental health issues? Truth is that comedy and mental health probs go together like PB and J. Like straps and straitjackets. Like tears and clowns. There’s even a study that concludes, “This unusual personality structure may help to explain the facility for comedic performance.”

There’s a part in Bamford’s book where she talks about people questioning how she can do stand-up if she has all this OCD and social anxiety. She’s like uh listen, when you do stand-up you are the only one that gets to talk and you have a chance to plan what you’re going to say⁶. These things make sense to those of us with an “unusual personality structure”.

I was catching up with an old husband⁷ a few weeks ago and telling him about my way too brief stand up days in Memphis⁸. My biggest hurdle back then and would still be now is that didyaknow comics rehearse and repeat jokes? This is pretty much the difference between people that are funny at parties and people that are good at stand up.

I’ve always been resistant to structure (and practice). I hated storyboarding film projects. Didn’t like that I had to practice to be in band. I used to make up new stories about the stations of the cross in my young head every Sunday to be able to get through mass without incident. And I can count on my right index finger how many times I have studied for a test.

Retelling a funny thing with the same beats and inflections never stopped being strange to me, especially because I worry that I am repeating a story whenever I’m talking in real life interactions. But on stage? Talk about imposter syndrome! They are going to know this isn’t the first time I’ve told this no matter how spontaneous I try to look and sound.

Writing, written-writing not joke writing, is different. Sure you re-read and edit and refine (most of the time) but the final product is a one timer finished deal that goes out to an audience for all eternity⁹. It’s really the perfect medium for people that don’t want to repeat themselves but want other people to remember and repeat all the awesome things they think. Or maybe I’m just making a case to start a rural improv group.

Speaking of timing, if you’re a fan of Hacks, here’s Hannah Einbinder’s breakthrough debut on Colbert. I’m so glad some people do work on their timing and delivery. I believe those people are also called professional entertainers.

So now you have some funny gals to watch and listen to while you wait for me to come up with a posting schedule for this substack. I’m kidding - my typing fingers are on non-Gregorian calendar. If you need more laughs there’s always this Michelle or that Michelle or you could watch Nikki’s new HBO special with your family¹⁰.

1. To be accurate, a Michigan accent test should also include the word “salad” and, for some locations, a discussion of the word “seen”.

2. I only dropped “pop” because it is one of those slang words that has no meaning in other places. “I’ll have a pop” in the South sounds like “I’ll have a dad” yaknowwhatImean?

3. Certainly not in any US location that has a winter season. There’s something about cold places that make people suspicious of positivity and encouragement. Just my theory. Let me know if you have had a different experience and are not a native of a Scandinavian country.

4. “The Internet increases the flow of American slang into other languages because it is less restrictive than magazines in terms of language style and because it creates an interactive space for playful talk and self-presentation — in which slang, routines and slogans can play a big role.” Do You Speak American . What Lies Ahead?

5. If there is still journalistic media in 2040

6. I listened to the audiobook so I had to paraphrase instead of direct quote. I think Maria would understand.

7. Isn’t that more gold-diggery and mysterious than ex? Try it out next time you are talking about a partner from your past.

8. Cut short with the fam crisis and that damn pandemic. The damdemic.

9. Unless it is a Snapchat or behind a paywall.

10. Kidding. Please do not watch with your family unless you have one of those families that does naughty white elephants together.